dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Randomize
