I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize