I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
