I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
