Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
People in love make me want to vomit
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Watching her eat just hurts me
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
