I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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