they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
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He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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