why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
