She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
