My liver just broke up with me...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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