Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
