ya dads aren't the best wingmen
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
