Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
