the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
