The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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