my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize