God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
