I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
