my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
