Apparently you make a good broom.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
