New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
