So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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