His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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