found the other keg... it's in the tree
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
