he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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