We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
