Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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