I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
