I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize