my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize