every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
