Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
