Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize