3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize