the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
