At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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