There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
