why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
