My first STD was from a foam party
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize