you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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