I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Fuck appropriateness.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
