drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
