my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
BRING THE BAGELS
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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