Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
