Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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