He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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