We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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