This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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