Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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