fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Soap is not a condiment
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I miss vodka workout Fridays
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
