During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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