I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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