so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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