Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
