Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize